There has long been a stereotype that every vegan will grandstand incessantly and bring up that they are vegan out of context. Within vegan circles, though, it is accepted that the opposite is true. It is rather their friends that will bring it up on their behalf. That is because the long-term vegan knows that bringing it up is awkward for several reasons they intuitively understand but may not put into words.

This article is for two types of people. First, it is for friends of vegans that have the habit of saying “I know you do that because you’re vegan” or “You should know that my friend is vegan” and do not understand the consequences of their actions. Second, it is for those who have been puzzled why someone hesitated to tell you they are vegan. If you know people who are principled in other ways, you might still benefit from this, as several reasons generalise broadly.

1. You are reminded of your otherness

This is perhaps the deepest and most painful reason. What’s more, it is the most inescapable of them all, even with the most understanding people around. Veganism is not normal, ar at least not the status quo, and it will remain that way for a long time with current trends. In such a world, talking about being vegan reminds you of how much of a fringe phenomenon it is.

By contrast, to a vegan, it is the most normal thing there is: it is their daily practice, which they see as morally self-evident. Indeed, they see veganism as so self-evident that it should not be considered an ideology or have a name and simply be called normal. It is instead the acceptance of the status quo that should bear a name. Naming the status quo as an ideology or an -ism has not caught on, despite dr. Melanie Joy’s best efforts. Thus, we live in a world where the antonym of vegan is normal.

The weight of not being normal is enhanced by the moral gravity. Many vegans see the moral problems veganism addresses as some of the most significant moral disasters of our lifetime. To know what that is like, take whatever you believe to be a contender for the largest moral calamity of our time and imagine being one of only few who take it seriously.

2. Inducing cognitive dissonance in others

Most people can intuitively feel that there are ugly truths about how certain foods, of which meat is cognitively the most powerful example, are produced. Regardless of whether that is reason why it is wrong to eat them or whether we should stop doing so, the uncomfortable feeling is there and it does not square well with the practice of eating meat. The combination of attitudes of wanting animal foods, most clearly meat, and feeling uncomfortable about its ugly truths, is misnamed the meat paradox in the psychological literature. Of course, vegans are the first to remark that it is a spurious paradox, since this combined attitude is hardly necessary, but this is beside the point. Many people have an understanding of some wrongdoing that they would rather not be reminded of, and vegans see this. The easiest, and perhaps only, way to avoid such a reminder is to avoid mention of veganism altogether.

3. Fear of vitriolic debates

There are a significant number of people who are hostile to veganism in some way. It could be that they vehemently oppose it or just that they are so baffled that they demand an extended explanation. Whatever the case, these encounters are likely to lead to debates the vegan probably did not intend to have when they asked to leave out the mayonnaise.

These debates easily get heated because everyone involved understands that there is an accusation that there is something deeply wrong with food culture. This also means that people grasp for arms and keep their guards up much more intensely than in most discussions. Most long-term vegans have heard every argument against veganism being recycled perpetually. These arguments are so unconvincing to them that it feels like they are debating that the sky is blue.

4. Perceived sense of entitlement

Vegans know very well that they are the exception and that special arrangements often need to be made just for them. Most people do not want to be pushy and vegans are no exception. Vegans put strain on their relationships by always being the one that has special restrictions. Even worse, they often have to impose restrictions upon people they have just met. Being on the burdensome side of the relationship is something most people do not want to sustain long-term and neither do vegans.

5. Overemphasising diet when ethics matters more

Veganism almost always gets brought up in relation to its practical constraints. For example “I need to check that there is vegan food on the menu”. Immediately, you are confined to veganism-as-diet. In fact, veganism-as-diet is merely a corollary of veganism-as-philosophy. A majority view among people that seek out vegan communities is that the word veganism should refer to a philosophy about exploiting animals that just happens to lead to a particular dietary restriction when put into action. Due to some of the other reasons in thist list, the vegan might want to avoid bringing up the deeper philosophy behind it and thereby stick to practical requirements. The cost, however, is that no time is taken to talk about what veganism is at its core.

6. Lazy applause from the sidelines

Many people respond positively to veganism. They admire vegans’ dedication and do not attempt to copy them, often saying that they could not do it themselves. This can be annoying to vegans for several reasons. One is that it makes veganism seem more difficult than it is. After all, if such a diverse population of people has already managed to turn vegan, what is so unique about you that you are not able to do it? Another is that veganism is supposed to be a group effort. If even the people who pay lipservice to the cause do not practice it, how would that make any progress? Vegans generally want to believe in other people’s potential to live up to their values and are faced with an unwillingness to do so.

7. People accomodate for you, not for the cause

When in good company as a vegan, people will cook vegan food just for you. They see it as simple politeness for and understand that it does not affirm a sense of entitlement. When no vegans are around, though, they revert to only normal people food. In other words, one makes vegan food because that one guest asked for it. Vegans believe that there are deeper (typically animal rights related) reasons why that food had to be served and would prefer that people appealed to those reasons directly. That said, when a welcoming host cooks a vegan meal just for you, it is not proper to lecture them on why they should turn that compassion for the vegan guest into compassion for the animals that would otherwise be eaten.

8. Setting the tone for conversations about the joys of eating meat

This is one of the rarer ones, but it does happen. One person brings up that they are vegan, and someone else says “I suppose that means you’re missing out on food item X”. Another person at the table says “Right, X! X is great, what a shame! I ate an amazing X just yesterday”, after which all people around the table except for the vegan have an extended conversation about X. This move is known online as “bacon tho”. Putting on my philosopher hat, you cannot talk about any concept without talking about its negation. This situation is a fine example of that.

9. Clumsy comparisons to vegetarianism

Vegans often get the comment “Oh, like vegetarian but stricter?”. This comment is a reminder that vegetarianism is veganism’s cool and popular younger brother. Veganism is its loner bitter older sister. Most importantly of all, she is known as an extension of his personality.

It is rather the other way around: veganism is the actual principle and vegetarians half-arse it. There is no philosophy behind vegetarianism; it can only be understood as the result of either not understanding or not wanting to commit to veganism. Veganism is not vegetarian and then some because the principles that lead to vegetarianism immediately lead to veganism upon consideration of the practical reality of livestock farming.

Despite that, vegetarianism is the better known practice that is often accomodated for. Vegans are secretly envious of their younger brother and the attention it gets. They would kill not to be regarded as a variant of vegetarians and instead see the perception of that relationship getting flipped on its head. Comments about being like a vegetarian but stricter trigger that covert envy.